Hot Takes IRL

By: Kevin Shi, Staff Writer

Want to get rich? Try blackmail! 

By: We Need More Scholarships

Social media hasn’t made the world any less social or inconsiderate. If anything, it’s revealed what used to be secret and forced people to show their true colors. So, why not make some money off of everyone’s mistakes?

The best candidates to blackmail are tho

se with copious amounts of money and dubious self-dispositions and pasts. When you think of your current classmates and their career trajectories, our options for blackmail are nearly endless:

• Are you an exec at TikTok and did you write a stupid joke in the #hot-takes channel about Chinese and Taiwan relationships?

• Is one of your largest clients the DEA and you left trolley night in an ambulance instead of a trolley?

• Did you kiss “not-your-girlfriend” and you think that secret is only known by you, your harlot paramoor, and God?

• Are you in a KWest WhatsApp group where you made remarks indicating that you would be okay with certain forms of slavery?

It’s almost too easy.  So, here’s how we can fund future scholarships and generations of potential Kellogg Leaders. It’s a basic cold outreach formula:

Step 1: Create a shortlist

Our criterion is relatively simple: who is most likely to both screw up immensely but also be wealthy in the future? Think the future PE partners, the family-business club members who’ll pretend they’re self-made in the future, those who have been with their JV since high school (read: definite cheaters). If they wear a vest to class, we can shortlist them too.

Step 2: Source evidence

Drunk Slack messages, WhatsApp chats, fake friends, Panopto recordings of their previous classes. All fair game, and everyone’s presence is recorded at Kellogg and those who mess up tend to mess up frequently.

Step 3: Validate leads

A quick checklist:

• Does the target have money? Or will they have money?

• Does the target have shame and/or would this really mess up their aspirations?

• Does the target have parents who care deeply about their reputation and could also donate a building?

• Is this target related to someone influential who would be super pissed if their nonsense leaks (e.g., a future senator)?

  
  

Step 4: Reach out

There is no need to be aggressive; that would guarantee that our future whale will lawyer up. A gentle nudge will do the trick. For example: “

Hi [Name], hope you have been doing well! Quick question—what’s your preferred method for supporting the Kellogg Annual F

und? Asking because I just found that photo of you from trolley night, and I’d really hate for it to end up in the wrong hands.”

Step 5: Get rich

If the threat is credible, ensure we can set up recurring donations. 

So people, be responsible about what you say to others. You never know who’s looking for their next target.

Headline: I am on the Special K! leadership team. Here’s what we are actually looking for

By: Special K!

I’m sure you all have seen the emails detailing what we want and maybe a few of you have already passed the initial auditions. If you have passion and want to put in the time and effort, we’ll want you to be in the show. That being said, I believe it would be fair if we listed our actual requirements for what we're looking for:

Special K! 2025 Image by: Tanya Madhani ’26 and Anna Lu ’25

1. Constant need to insert self into all public situations: You’re a star! Not just in this production but in everything you do!

2. Have a face that says my dad is rich but I don’t shower sometimes.

3. Be able to talk over anyone: Their ideas don’t matter as much as yours. Even the same ideas.

4. Have the courage to barge into any study room with people in it: We want guts! Your group project be damned.

5. A little racist but not sexist: This has been the guiding principle of our humor for the past few years. Sexism will for sure get us in trouble. For racism, we can always just say we are “hamming it up” (it’s just based on my experience, right?)

6. Funny: We have been lacking in the humor department a bit. When we have to write for a show that’s just a patchwork of sketches that are held together by the Kellogg umbrella, duct tape, and overacting, let’s try to have some quality jokes in this script.

7. Experience in nontraditional romantic relationships: Do we need to say more?

Let's have a good show but remember, Special K! Holds the fabric of Kellogg together. Come as you are but come good enough :) Read More Hot Takes IRL by Kevin Shi: Hot Takes IRL (November) Hot Takes IRL (October) Hot Takes IRL (September)